Corona Obscura: Book Review

Corona Obscura: Sonets Dark and Elemental, by Michael R. Collings

Talking about Michael's poetry and verse were some of the very first blog posts I did here when I started back in - wow- 2009! And I only have a greater appreciation for his art with age.

Linda D. Addison writes the forward and says it so well that I have to share a line here "Michael has created some strange word alchemy that touched me on a cellular level, making me smile, building excitement in my gut as I traveled from one poem to the next."

I feel the same way but even her description is poetry.

Charles Gramlich's review reminded me that I had to read this too! Thanks for sharing such a love of language Charles.

There are a lot of great poets out there but Michael is amazing and he is still alive and churning out more even as I type this. So much of what I love about language is typically from the dusty past, from those who are passed and buried.

But Michael's work is alive in the heated now, its pure visceral byzantine grandeur. I read it and wish I had come up with such a turn of phrase. The sheer beauty and horrific dichotmoy moves me. As a lover of language,  I am in awe at his words and equally moved by them.

I love to reread these sonnets and get in that void, that passion before I jump back into my own wordsmithing because I believe it helps me attain a higher level for my own work.

The man is one of the best and so deserving of the Grand Master award he received at Horror Con earlier this year.

I'll be delving back into this and others soon enough to walk these midnight trails into amaranth bleeding crimson as starlight fails.

That was a line that in particular jumped out at me.
Highly recomended for lovers of prose and verse.

Get a copy here

What a Year its Been

Where to begin?

My daughter Athena was born this last august and she is doing amazing!

I accomplished a lot this year writing wise, I've had a personal goal for some time to have something creative of mine come out every single month in a year and I've finally done it.

Granted six months out of the year it was my ongoing serial, Walking Through Walls in the pages of Utah Geek Magazine but that is still more than 15,000 words in a novella getting in front of thousands of people locally - I'm hoping it pays off in the long run with some local fanbase - between you - my regular blog friends (because you are) I  haven't seen much in the way of that working out yet, but I'll at least finish the novella and self-pub it and I'm pretty damn happy with it.

Those other six months saw several collections of my stories and a new weird anthology project that I never planned on doing until right before I did it - Whispers Out of the Dust. That was the fastest I ever wrote in my life yet. about 56K in four weeks, eventually cut down to 53K but still.
I also released, The Mad Song in January and The Hand of Fate in June. I was a part of an improv  rock/spoken word album with the Freestyle Gargoyles II - my song was 'Read Em and Weep', and I've heard good things by those that heard it. I also contributed a few stories to an anthology put together by some writer friends - 5 Blades. 

And just in time to still meet my goal, I just put up on Kindle and Create Space - Gods in Darkness, a collection of sci-fi horror and prose. It has a 4 previously released stories and a few new ones and some dark poetry with a Lovecraftian flavor. I'll put up another post when I can actually see it on Amazon.

I also attended some great cons and will do so this coming year to an even greater degree - so good things are coming.

All the best to the rest of you and have a great New Year!

Reading My Friends

I'm way behind on reviews etc, so I thought I'd get a few of these together, especially since I know all these people and consider them friends.

The Lure of Fools, by Jason King
"Adventure is the lure of fools, and excitement glamour to the gullible. The siren song of the world is as music to the wanderer's feet, but that dance leads only to the soul-less grave." So Jekaran's uncle has warned him. 
The Lure of Fools is awesome epic fantasy with a good dose of the gritty action and humor that I love about sword and sorcery as well. While I thought it started just a little slow, once things got going this was a rip roaring book, with witty dialogue and clever action.
It reminded me in places of some other fantasy tales I greatly enjoy = Elric and Hellboy and the Golden Army but also with its complete own legend. (by no means am I saying this is a pastiche of the other two-merely that some things reminded me, the reader, of same and again I am a big fan of those other works so its a compliment)
Jekeran, the main character finds himself tied up with some interesting twists of fate involving a sentient powerful sword, and that's always trouble. I also liked the magic system involved in the world and the backstory as its revealed. I heartily look forward to the next installment - The Souless Grave that is getting released in just a couple weeks!


Blood Oath, by Sarah E. Seeley

Blood Oath is an Orc love story. Didn't see that one coming did you. And I gotta tell you , you didn't see the twists coming in this one either! Our tale begins with Riplanicum a young Orc with a mission from his mentor to hide a sacred and powerful stone. He comes across his beloved dying on a battlefield, but she is also from an opposing clan and from there the reveals just keep coming.
I did feel that some of the ending was just a wee bit duex ex machina but at the same time I have to say that I was floored by some of the back stabbing twists on the way there! Well done Sarah!


Beibers Finger, by Craig Nybo

Beibers Finger is one of the most off-the-wall surprising pulp sci-fi gonzo books I have ever had the pleasure of reading/listening too.
Taking place in a world(s) that is like our own but not our own, it blends two stories 1. is the bizarre aftermath of a teen idols brutal murder - a piece of him is left and retrieved by a super fan who gets him cloned. She then has plans for him to do a big comeback at the Pan-Galactic Prom Show = his is all perfectly reasonable right? 2. A dying race of Ice Beetles need help before they are exterminated and we follow their brave rescue crew on a mission that is half  Seven Samurai half Hard Days Night - are you with me? We are in a heap of trouble by books end and it all has to wrap up in book two The Pan-Galactic Prom Show which I will be getting to post haste!

I have several other friends who have read this and I've heard it said this could not have gotten published except through the self-publishing market - I beg to differ, it is amazing but it does require special taste. The author Craig Nybo is truly a tour-de force and I look forward to working with him again - he was the bass player on that spoken word improv album I did a month ago.

Incorrect Astronomy, by Steven Peck

A collection of poetry by an evolutionary biologist and I was very pleased with his turns of phrase and insights. Whether the first that caught my eye The Slaying of the Trickster Gods or Waist Deep in the Abyss - Peck has quite a way with words that I truly appreciate. The moods cascade all over the place and some of these struck home deeply because poetry is someone saying how you feel, and you know the truth of it. Decisions Among the Red Rocks is another favorite. It is a short collection but if you feel for poetry like I do give Incorrect Astronomy a chance.


Crow Jane: Rock Band Fights Evil Volume 3, by D.J. Butler

Crow Jane rocks us into Qayna's point of view - a new character in the RBFE universe but an integral important one, she has after all been around since the beginning! And this is what I love about Butler's writing, an eclectic blend of what you know or think you know, arcane references and a buckshot load of smart action fantasy!
So, Qayna/Jane/Cain - that's right Jane is Cain, cursed to be unable to die no matter what she does, and of course she gets wrapped up in others agenda's and double crosses including the coming war between Heaven and Hell. The story interplays between the present and the past and this is a great way to find out more about our favorite band of damned men. Get on the playbill with this one!

LIVE with the Freestyle Gargoyles

The video is live and remastered and here I am performing "Read Em' and Weep" my improv spoken word contribution to the Freestyle Gargoyles/ Space Balrog album.

I have to say I think my fellow Balrogs that did perform (4 out of 6 of us- Craig was playing bass, saw etc  and Dave Butler was unavailable) did a great job with their short story's - I was a bit off the cuff and therefore wasn't as cool, but tried to make up for it rocking.

I did give a shoutout to my friends books and realized after the fact I neglected to mention any of my own in my own crazed ramblings about books. Just goes to show what happens when you wing it - I have to think if we really worked hard at a studio album it would be amazing and I think I will talk to Craig about that someday - I have a multiple tapes from my garage band days that I would love to have good recordings of someday.

And you only see snatches of it here, but Craig's Media Rif studio is amazing.

Thanks again to everyone involved - these guys were fantastic and we all had a great time.

LTUE or Life the Universe and Everything

It falls on valentines weekend, so the annual LTUE conference which is amazing by the way, was not something I was able to spend as much time as I would have liked attending. I missed all of Thursday, and only spent about four hours at on Friday and around five hours at Saturday. I wasn't on any panels and just hung out with writer friends and fans but it was still a great time and gathering of magnificent proportions. As opposed to the comic cons - this is a writers (and artists) gathering without all the cosplay and crazy fandom. This was a place to talk shop, network and just enjoy fellow creatives company.

I made some new friends and had quality time with old ones. I plan on making it a point that I can spend a whole lot more time next year with everyone - I am in good graces with the head honcho's so next year I'll be on panels etc.

Here's some of the cooler things I got to see: A great prop - a Trolloc sword for the Wheel Of Time trailer, made by Hraefn Wulfson.

 Egyptian Queen, signed by Frank Frazetta!

 A great piece by Devon Dorrity, wish I could take it home.

 The always genteel Dave Butler.

 Signed Frazetta Berserker, on loan from the Frazetta museum, made my day I had no idea they would be here this weekend.

 A great piece by Hraefn Wulfson.

 Another fantastic sculpture by Devon Dorrity.

 Awesome new friend Hraefn Wulfson who made the above Trolloc sword for the recent fan trailer for The Wheel of Time. He is an amazing artists with this Atlantis portal piece and the above Egyptian meets Aliens pieces, and the other works beside the Trolloc sword. I love his specialty made frames too!

Found this gem at a used book dealer at the con.

And lastly, I took my wife to a Regency Ball for valentines which scored a lot of points with her, so its was a pretty great weekend. 

If there was any Doubt as to how I feel Lately

Almost the only writing I have been able to do as late are these...

In The Garden
I thought I was Adam and you were Eve
Blaming the serpent, that he did deceive
Forgetting that there was another
Lilith, that first wicked mother
But Eve, she stood by her man
You, just turned and ran
Each of us into the wilderness cast out
I pray for rain and you curse the doubt
Lies your cloak and despair your hood
Truth, your bane and doing what you should
Now I wipe the children’s tear’s
And chase away your demonic fears
The flaming sword, I would lay down
and return to you, your exalted crown
if you could but be my Eve
but No, you chose to leave

The Empty Throne
You sat beside me in the Temple and ruled our home,
but you stole the scepter and dashed the crown,
all so you could roam.
Will I ever trust you again?
Not while every lie you speak, pierces my heart and steals my life.
Not while you try to play upon me like a fife.
Not as you proclaim love but plant pain,
you seed hate and reap one great black stain.
Can I ever love again?
With every truth spoken and my fired soul awoken.
With every fiber of my being, I’ll gain a queen and be a king.
And the throne beside me will be empty no more,
free from you, my dirty little whore.

To A Woman
After the silken threads that you spun
and the cords you’ve woven come undone
the lines you drew without care but rage
they will combine to craft your gilded cage
For the lies you told are freedom not
but slavery holding fast til you rot
An anchor round your slattern neck
driving you to your fated wreck
Satan has no servants but slaves alone
You are foremost his, soul, body and bone
Doom holds thy deceitful hand and black heart
with a curse upon your lips and tainted parts
You, the bride of darkness, despair and fear
fully selfish and cowardly, it is quite clear
Play the tortured soul, haunt the dark places
Weep crocodile tears and toy with many faces
But you shall stay and will ever be
the most evil person known to me

Karma is a Bitch and So is She
She lies and she lies
She cries and she cries
My hopes rise and they rise
But my heart dies and dies
I know what I want is what I want
I know what I deserve ain’t what I got
I know that I seem to be asking a lot
And I know that she is going to rot
Karma is a bitch and so is she
Thinks she can keep up the charade
Thinks she can keep me hanging onto her strings
I was blind but now I see
She thinks I’m broken but I’m remade
She thinks I’ll be waiting keeping her rings
No, Karma is a bitch and so is she
A lie must exit her mouth
A stab must enter my heart
Someday, someway she will see
The damage done her life gone south
Our union ends and my life will start

Two Reasons
Two reasons you can’t sleep:
Either you have a soul and conscience, and twist about at night in the agony of what has been done…
Or you are bereft of soul and conscience and thusly not even fit to dream…
I know which you are…

Back to My Lyrical Roots

I started writing poetry before I ever attempted a novel. In fact when I did get a novel idea, I was overwhelmed with how long it would take in comparison to the instant gratification a poem/song did
(I always thought of my poems as songs) and put off doing more than an outline for years.

I probably cranked out over 300-400 of the poems in the course of a handful of years. 17 to 21ish. Then I slowed down quite a bit and actually worked on stories thereafter.

No wonder my first editors said I was so lyrical. I took that as a high compliment.

Looking through my desk drawer now at some of them, I am surprised at how many are essentially love songs, and incredibly needy love songs at that. I briefly considered the idea of compiling them all and someday having a poetry book, but so many are so bad I don't want to shoot myself in the foot by releasing them.

Some few actually have good lines in the middle (but are surrounded by crap) and others aren't too shabby. When I looked at a sheet of popular song lyrics by some rock groups I love, (T. Rex, Led Zeppelin) I realized my lyrics weren't actually that bad, but it always helps to have great music backing you up. Various incarnations of my teenage rock bands probably only ever put music to about a fourth of my songs. I would share the better recordings here, but don't even know where to begin adding my old four track recording tapes to the computer. (yes, I had cutting edge equipment for poor boys back in 1991)

Here is one I don't mind sharing (likely from the later period when I was 21 or so and slowing down-but quality and some kind of esoteric depth had arguably gone up)

SUNSTONE

See these hands - they reach for you
See these ears - they listen to you
Feel this heart - it beats for you
And yet you leave me all alone
I should be like a sunstone
The sunstone stands and holds the temple
The sunstone blazes like its maker
The sunstone stands all alone

Hear my voice -It sings for you
See my eyes -They look to you
Feel this heart - It beats for you
And yet you leave me all alone
I should be like a sunstone
The sunstone stands and holds the temple
The sunstone blazes like its maker
The sunstone stands all alone

Now my eyes - I see through you
Now my voice - Don't sing for you
Now my heart - Doesn't beat at all
And now you are left all alone
I am like a sunstone
The sunstone stands and holds the temple
The sunstone blazes like its maker
The sunstone stands all alone
I am like a sunstone

Christopher Lee reads The Raven

Naught thrills me near so much as how much my children enjoy this.

Lovecraft eZine: Curse the Child

My short horror story Curse the Child is online at the Lovecraft eZine here Its a free eZine so check it out.

My tale is about the dark union between the Queen of Sheba and King Solomon.

Lovecraft eZine is chock full of great Lovecraftian inspired tales by a wide variety of authors-Wilum Pugmire, Willie Miekle and Bruce Durham are among some of the greats I get to share the TOC with.

artwork by the eerie Mimulux

oh, yeah I'm posting this news while at the LDStorymakers Writers Conference while in Dan Wells writing class about horror.

Solomon Kane: The Return of Sir Richard Grenville

I am still waiting on a US release for Solomon Kane but in the meantime there is this short-

Bitter Steel: Book Review

Bitter Steel by Charles Allen Gramlich, is one of my favorite reads of the year. A collection of previously released short stories and poems, Bitter Steel throws down a gauntlet of both action and tribute to the pulp fantasy masters of yesteryear.

From the back cover~
"So come! Gather with me around the fire where the smoke stings our eyes. We’ll listen to the drums beat in time with our hearts. We’ll drink from the common bowl as it passes among us. The darkness whispers outside our camp, but we have no fear. There are heroes among us. Let us hear their tales."

Charles prose and poetry throughout the collection is visceral and enticing. With the first paragraph of the first tale "A Gathering of Ravens" I found myself taken away, wandering the battlefields beside his heroes. It granted that magical feeling that I suppose most writers feel at one time or another of "I want to write something like this..."

The next half dozen tales of Thal Kyrin (and Jys) were even better and I especially enjoyed the climactic fight of "Dark Wind" the resonance of "The Evening Rider" and the originality of ""Wine and Swords" because as Charles mentions, he wanted to write a Sword & Sorcery tale without any sorcery in it. The twists and encounters were well drawn and felt real. I found myself hoping Charles will write more tales of the Earth that has become the planet known as Thanos.

Three humorous stories followed, and while I didn't really care for "Worms in the Earth" (great ending however) and "Mirthgar". I loved "Slugger's Holiday". A pastiche based on Robert E. Howards, brawling sailor Steve Costigan on holiday in Hawaii. As far as pastiches go I thought it was spot on-a real gem. The voice and story would make REH proud.

I'm glad Charles included a little about each tale and poem, I like to know about a short stories genesis and inspiration whenever I like them as much as I did these. You can get a copy HERE.

Collected Poetry of Robert E. Howard

Realized it is 74 years today since my favorite author passed away. I have not yet finished this magnificent tome, but I am greatly enjoying it. Over 700 pages, this is a vast collection of visceral moving poetry. Divided into the sections of Heroic Verse, War Poems, Wizardry and Satanism, Horror Poems, Exoticsm and Nature, Personal, Historical, Dialect and Doggerel, and finally Prose Poems, this collection shows such utter strength and indomitable will of spirit that REH deserves to be held up alongside any other Classic American poet.
The rhyme and timbre hold the cadence of thunder and drums. Decayed kingdoms swim in melancholy ruin as mad minstrels pluck at the heart, Heroes rise and fall, shadows and dreams proliferate and merge.
This is a collection that I will be able to sit beside the firelight and enjoy all my days. And now some favorite fragments, gleaned.

Kings of the Night~
The Caesar lolled on his ivory throne-
His iron legions came
To break a king in a land unknown
And a race without a name.

The Phoenix on the Sword
What do I know of cultured ways,
the gilt, the craft and the lie?
I, who was born in a naked land
and bred in the open sky.
The subtle tongue, the sophist guile,
they fail when the broadsword sing;
Rush in and die dogs-
I was a man before I was a king.

Old Rime
One fled, one dead, one sleeping in a golden bed.

An Open Window
Behind the Veil what gulfs of Time and Space?
What blinking mowing Shapes to blast the sight?
I shrink before a vague colossal Face
Born in the mad immensities of Night.

The Fearsome Touch of Death
As long as midnight cloaks the earth
With shadows grim and stark
God save us from the Judas kiss
Of a dead man in the dark.

The Black Stone
They say foul beings of Old Times still lurk
In dark forgotten corners of the world,
And Gates still gape to loose, on certain nights,
Shapes pent in Hell.

Mystic
There is a strange and mystic land
East of the rising sun.
A dim sea breaks on a coral strand,
Stars lie spread on the silver sand
And sapphire rivers run-
There is a mystic land
East of the sun.

The Hour of the Dragon
The Lion banner sways and falls
in the horror haunted gloom;
A scarlet Dragon rustles by,
borne on winds of doom.
In heaps the shining horsemen lie,
where thrusting lances break,
And deep in the haunted mountains
the lost, black gods awake.
Dead hands grope in the shadows,
the stars turn pale with fright,
For this is the Dragon's Hour,
the triumph of Fear and Night.

Such pieces fire my imagination more than near any other writer I have ever come across, and so today I salute him and drink a toast in remembrance.

"All fled, all done, so lift me on the pyre; The feast is over and the lamps expire." may be the last words Robert E. Howard ever wrote but I would argue that through his writings while the feast may be over, the lamps will never expire.

1 Year Anniversary

It was one year ago today that I was offered my first contract for my novel Heroes of the Fallen and it's been getting some great reviews thus far-thank you.

So in this last year I have made a lot more friends and acquaintances, won a short story contest for Song of Saphir and had my second entry Covenant of the Scalp come in a very close second. These should see publication late this summer or early fall-wish I had a cover to post-but soon enough I am sure.

Had a positive blurb of mine placed on the back cover of Daron Fraley's speculative novel The Thorn.

I also sold Whispers of the Goddess to Rogue Blades Entertainment for their coming anthology Roar of the Crowd.

I am also finishing a short piece that I have high hopes will be accepted by Ricasso Press for inclusion in another action-oriented anthology to be released later this summer-Through Blood And Iron.

I was asked to present the Best Novel by a New Author Award for the Whitney Awards this year, very pleased that Dan Wells won and also pleased that John Brown won the Speculative category. It's been great getting to know both of them.

Also at the moment I am putting the final touches on my outcast Spartan novel Bless the Child, rewrites/revisions for Blood of Our Fathers (the sequel to Heroes of the Fallen, then to finish my Porter Rockwell novel Dance the Ghost with Me, write a tale for the Irreantum contest, a pulp-ladden yarn for the Monsters & Mormons antho, even though that won't see the light until next year. And then finish an as-yet-untitled fantasy novel for one of the big publishing houses. And I will probably try and throw a number of short stories at other things along the way.

Thanks to everyone for reading my stuff, following the blog and just being an audience-it's what writers are suckers for. Looking back it has been a great first year for me and should be an even better one looking ahead.

Robert E. Howard's Birthday

Next to J.R.R.Tolkien, Robert E. Howard is my biggest inspiration as a writer. Today is his birthday so I wanted to raise a leather drinking jack to him and post a short yarn of his.

MIDNIGHT
Red leaned his elbows upon the table and cursed. The candle guttered low. The bottle was empty, and a slow fire coiled in our brains--the fire which devours and consumes and destroys but never leaps into full wild flame.

I looked at Red with bleared eyes. He hid his face in his hands. He was thinking of a woman he knew. The cards, greasy with handling and stained with whiskey and candle tallow, lay scattered between us. The desire for gambling was gone, and there was no more whiskey.

"Cheer up, Red," I said. "Listen--I'll tell you: Somewhere in the world the sun is coming up like a red dragon to shine on a gilded pagoda; somewhere the bleak stars are gleaming on the white sands where a magic caravan is sleeping out the ages. Somewhere the night wind is blowing through the grass of a mysterious grave. Somewhere there is a gossamer sailed ship carving a wake of silver foam across the dark blue of the Mediterranean. This isn't all, Red."

"Oh, Christ," he groaned, reaching for the empty bottle, "I wish I had a drink."

Poetry Saturday: The Nazirite

The Nazirite

Climbing the dusting hills
Skirting the dropping vales
I make my way
To catch this day
My enemies
To fight together this night
On the ground of my choosing
This plan is sound
For my judgment and my devastation
is directed accurately upon the
Foes-Philistines-Foul

I swing the jawbone of an ass
Whereupon it breaks theirs as glass
Plowing the fields of bodies
Blood blooms brightly
Knocking single file over the crevasse
Lost in the blood rage-feral delight
My righteousness knows no bounds-No

Delilah, you have caused this My love
My destruction your delight
Some two thousand I have slain today
All because of what you would have me say
My weakness knows no bounds-No

Bound too long-again I am strong
Dagons old one cannot hold me
Blind but I can see you-for what you are
Blind but I can see
Bound too long-but I am the true pillar strong
And I bring it down
Blind but I can see

Poem Lost in the Edits: Poetry Saturday

As a warrior poet I remembered what had been forgotten.
AMARON'S LAMENT
The fallen people, how the dream turned round.
And the song ran hard and into the ground.
This saga of those mighty lost souls.
They whose Empire is dust, cold have gone the coals.
Trodden under the foot of revenge and justice. Mercy where art thou?

Sword in hand, darkness sings, on Cumorah’s land.
Black hearts and the Hand of God, kills the King that would stop his work, sing!
Faith trumps doubt but it doesn’t mean truth won’t bring the pain.
Run cold and hold that inside, words of honor are sound.
Remember, when the torches fade and cannot be found.
Within the hearts that are true, the Lights remain.

Measuring : Poetry Saturday

Measuring

I Burnt down Jezebel’s disco, shook Crom’s throne
Atlantis is sunk and Troy is skin and bone
And Mordor without a keeper is all alone

At my desk in hot and loathsome despair
I wonder with succor, where to go from there
Great words to match the former and with care

Sunder those rusty chains that enrapt your mind
Break free that grimmer dungeon locked in kind
Too long thou has sat, broken, bent and unwind

Cleave the oaken door, smite the iron bars
Stamp down the jailors, Baal, Loki and Mars
Alight to the window, jump to the stars

Across and beneath me they wheel in the sky
Floating and falling, old truth defeats the new lie
And the wonder of youth doesn’t have to die

Cumorah: Poetry Saturday

CUMORAH

The mountains womb is gold, the valley's skin is blood.
A dark spirit whispert, bringing the ax and flood,
sending the wicked and righteous back to the mud.

Satan's on his throne, Record is in the ground.
I light the funeral pyres, until it's time be found,
forgotten but by the worms deep in the mound.

I was in the ruin, I was in the shield wall,
I was there to see father Mormon fall,
but none beside could catch him ere deaths call.

Let come the maelstrom, let come the rain,
wash away the memory o' this place once again.
This time perhaps not at all in vain.

Poetry Saturday: I Met A Savage

I am going to start a new series of posts that I will try to do every saturnday that I will the give the lyrical title of Poetry Saturday too. First up,

I Met A Savage

I met a savage
and his name was Ray
He is a Lamanite
a Navajo of night
From the four corners
when his mother is gone he will mourn her
Says the Mormons are people good
though he doesn't always do as he should
He likes to gamble and he likes to drink
the guys at work don't like him, say he doesn't think
But I believe it is because
there is something in that noble savage or was
That calls back to another time
when the land was his and not yours or mine
But then didn't they too take
from those that also forsake
To be nearer the earth
is as when man was birthed
And as such Christ said
be like a child or be alive but dead